Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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