This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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