The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
