You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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