Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Boobs are out for the taking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize