i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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