the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything