take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm like, not good at living.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
