It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
