Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We are two peas in an std pod
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
