morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
