I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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