How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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