How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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