Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
