if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
