He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
