Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
