he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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