Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
