Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
