obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?