I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it