You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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