Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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