You're completely useless in the revolution.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
