just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
