No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
