Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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