Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
