Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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