I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
