I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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