her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
