If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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