see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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