I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
