That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
