went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
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Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
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I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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