It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
