I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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