we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
