Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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