i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
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She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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