I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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