I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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