Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
