the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
