and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
