i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
