I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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