So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
