too bad you live with your parents still
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
