Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
