nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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