You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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