at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
