We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I touched a dick in church today
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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