I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
