My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
